Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in hbksgurl's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
8:02 am	OMG!!!! I can't believe how well things are going this time.... Like SO MUCH BETTER!!!! My baby is warrant-free!!!! He just found out the other day about that :) My baby just got a job... THE LAGIT WAY!!!!! The right way!!! :) a construction job n hes also gonna do Rib-Fest again! Hes trying to get a place of his own!! He doesn't like hiding that we're together anymore but we have to for now... we don't want ppl getting mad or anything so yeah... its best for now I guess which kinda sux!!! His mother called me her fav daughter-in-law :) His grandmother wants to meet me and doesn't like Sam. I also found out sam can't have any kids... craaaaaazyyyy. But hes finally sober.... hes finally getting his life together! I hope things stay like this now.... OH I HOPE I HOPE!!!!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 24th, 2008
7:58 am	It doesnt matter how much we care about each other And it doesnt matter how much we love each other either... His heart belongs to her.. it always has n always will. I realize that now, no matter what I do.... he really does love her n even tho he wont say it, I know he wants to be with her. Shes stuck in BC and now all of a sudden hes working with Bobby to get her home. Everytime I try to talk to him, he starts to cry asking me to help him cuz he doesnt know what to do anymore. I DONT EITHER!!!!!! Hearing him cry basically makes me want to die!!! I know he wants us to work but its not. not gonna... I have to let him go... I have to... I cant keep doing this, its literally killing me!! </3 All I want is for him to be happy n im sure he'll be happier with her anyway.... I'm so scared of seeing him cuz once I do... its all gonna be over n I dont know if I'll be able to hold back my tears this time... I've always tried to be the strong one in this relationship but I cant do it ... I just cant :( THIS IS SO HARD!!!!! I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!! </3 Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2008
5:17 pm	I have so many mixed emotions right now... its nuts! I want him, I dont want him...  AY!!!! I know I want him... No one does the things that he does.... its insane Hes got this hold on me and its crazyyyyyyyy!! Saturday morning was the best time we've spent together in a really long time... And the way we ended it was the hottest thing ever! We went from just teasing each other to just going all crazy... literally sweat was dripping from our faces... :| I have frickin bitemarks and bruises all over my chest.. Seriously... he thinks he can tease me and not think anything was gonna happen after that.. I dont think so, two can play that game! :P WHY MUST HE BE SO FRICKIN SEXY?! Current Mood: naughty (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
12:15 pm	Hes mine... why cant he JUST BE MINE!!!!! And I hate her... I hate her so much! She left me a msg on msn cuz I FINALLY tlked to Nathan since SHES been there!!! But she leaves me a msg on msn saying "how is that these guys are so infacuated with you... I don't get it. Hopefully Cord hasn't talked to you anything, I told him not to anyway n we dont want you talking to him anyway so take care" LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! BARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I felt like msging her back n saying yea we were having a nice quiet night together the other nite til you called!!! Grrr>< Hes been sober for a week... I'm so proud of him!!! :)  Hes doing good... Bobby has him on house arrest lol. If Bobby n I just take care of him for a while... He will be just fine.. I swear!! Let this work... plz? I want him back but im not taking him back til I know that hes gonna stay n not walk away cuz shes ready to have him back again. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
2:37 am	Wow that took all my self control not going home with him tonight,,, ALL OF IT!!! DAMN!!! I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION... Too soon but OMGGGGGGGGG!!!! The way he was whispering in my ear, they way he grabbed me n kissed me... he pulled my hair to kiss me... he kissed me goodnight in the air n saying ru sure!!! MANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I USED MY HEAD... GOOD FOR ME!!!.. Kinda... UGHHHHHHHHH!!! Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
7:51 am	Someone pours there heart out to me n yet I can't do the same... Ugh.. why is it so hard for me?! I dont him to leave again!!! :( He told me how hard it is for him cuz hes in love with 2 girls ... and thast he has it best in both worlds.... But he said that shes been there but he knows that I'll always be there. We both know that we've rushed into a relationship together before n we're gonna try n take this slow this time. He even said he would quit doing sum things jus for me... he never said that before. His friends even said I would be better for him... Heck Sams BEST FRIEND even said it!!! we talked on the phone for 2 hours last night n I had so many tears because I could only tell him one thing n that was about when my uncle died n how he was there for me.. That was even hard, we both were crying... Alls I know is that I love him... I wanna beleive everything hes telling me but whats the point when Sam comes back in a few months he may just go back to that... UGH!!!! Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 29th, 2008
10:43 am	I was on the phone with nathan last night... Man I keep finding shit out lol... ITS CRAZY Apparently Jackie his ex didn't like me cuz she thought Nathan n I were fooling around behind her back... Nathan broke up with Jackie a lil after Drew n I because he wanted me back... And also.... We're already a married couple!!! haha And we both realized that we have no friends lol... I mean we do but it was mostly us just that hung out... like we were always together. And we both find it weird that we aren't together. Anyway, when Nathan turns 21 we're gonna go to Vegas and after Vegas we're gonna go to Cancun the next year after that :) We have to wait for NATHAN to turn 21 cuz hes a year younger!!! bahahaha. Oh man... Shits starting to come out... its a lil scary... (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 27th, 2008
4:51 pm	So we may be moving... Mom wants to... well we all want to but dad wants to move closer to his work which has made me think... cuz I dont wanna move way out there cuz its not close to my work... I was talking to Nathan last night and he said that when he comes back n if I still want to, we can get our own place together near my work :) So maybe it will all work out in the end. Also he told me that he wants to marry me when he gets back... :| iuno he meant that jokingly or not but.. whatever lol. We shall see what the future holds for us in time I guess RENT was absoultly AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<3 Foo Fighters were awesome as well :) Avril Lavigne n Larry The Cable Guy is next WOOT WOOT!!! And there is also the possibility of me seeing Metallica n AC/DC!!! Oh I hope I hope!!! Hehe Then all I would need to see after that is Kid Rock and Shawn Michaels and my life WILL be complete :) Cord calls me every now n then... Its alright I suppose... Its weird tho. I honestly think the only think that prevents me n Nathan to be together is Cord... I can see lots of fights between us because of him... Oh well, we shall see when the times comes I suppose... Anywho thats alls I gots ta say for now Tata for now (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
5:55 pm	I'm kind of confused right now... Like, I have feelings for someone but I'm just not sure about it... I have so many thoughts in my mind as to why it just wont work this time or anything. We've been together many times before... I don't think I could handle this not working again. Everyone says theres something between us... We're just friends but its like we're more but we just don't say anything... We even know its weird lol. But since he left... hes all I think about... Like him not being here... I'm so lonely. We've gotten a lot closer this past year and... I just dont know... I want to be with him.. It just makes sence to be. you know? He knows me better then anyone. He even says it about me! We can read each other like a book. We were on the phone last nite n he just seemed really angry about everything and I told him it was cuz I was the one that would always calm him down... Im the only one that really knows how. IS THAT NOT WEIRD? He is MY BEST FRIEND!!!! I know he has feelings for me... or at least he did... I don't know if he still does??? I just don't want to ruin anything :( Hes in B.C anyways til September..... Maybe I can see then? It sure doesn't help that I know SAM (Cords Ex Gf) is going to visit him for like 3 weeks next month.... All these thoughts are going thru my mind and for the first time in my life... I'M JEALOUS!!!!! What if she takes him away from me? :( She seems to be good at doing that.... Current Mood: confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 6th, 2008
7:27 pm	I LOVE THIS SONG If i should die before I wake Its cause you took my breath away losing you is like living in a world with no air Ohhh... [ Chris B.] Im here alone didnt want to leave My heart won't move its incomplete wish there was a way that i can get you to understand (Pre-Chorus) But How Do you expect me To live alone with just me Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breathe (Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air Can't live can't breathe with no air thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air Got me out here and the water so deep Tell me how you gon be without me if you ain't here i just can't breathe Its No Air No Air No air air (ohhhh) No air air (noooo) No air air (ohhhh) No air air ( Verse 2 ) [ Chris B.] I Walked I Ran I Jumped I Flew Right off the ground To float to you Theres no gravity To hold me down Foreal [Jordin S.] But Somehow Im still alive inside You took my breath But i survived I don't know how But i don't even care (Pre-Chorus) So How (How) Do you expect me (Me) To live alone with just me (Ohh) Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breathe ( Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air (ohhhh) Can't live can't breathe with no air (ohhh) thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air Got me out here and the water so deep (So deep) Tell me how you gon be without me (Without Me Yeahhh) if you ain't here i just can't breathe Its No Air No Air No air air (ohhhh) No air air (ohhhh) No air air (ohhhh) No air air (No More) uhh uhh uhh No Air (ohhh) uhh uhh uhh (Baby) No Air (ohhh) uhh uhh uhh No Air Its No Air No Air Heyyy.. Oooooo.. No Aiiiiiir Oooooo.. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air (ohhhh) Can't live can't breathe with no air thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air Got me out here and the water so deep (So deep) Tell me how you gon be without me (Without Me Yeahhh) if you ain't here i just can't breathe Its No Air No Air Do you expect me To live alone with just me Cause my world revolves around you its so hard for me to breathe (Chorus) Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no air (ohhhh) Can't live can't breathe with no air thats how i feel whenever you ain't there Its No Air No Air [ Jordin S.] Got me out here and the water so deep [ Chris B.] Tell me how you gon be without me [ Jordin S.] if you ain't here i just can't breathe [Both] Its No Air No Air No air air (ohh) No air air (ohh) No air air (No air) [Both] No Air... (Comment on this)
6:47 pm	So I was going thru my notebook... and I found a lot of shit that I wrote... So Ima post it here. I'll make them different colors... they're mostly my thoughts n shit... Really no need to read lol. They're sumwhat old to... Most them are pretty much to do with Cord.... lol. Writing was my only way to keep my sanity sumtimes Its not fair. I hate being away from him. They don't know how much he really needs me. Hes helped me with some things, things I may never say. All I know is they're keeping me away. I know it's for the best but why do they get to stay? I hear their stories as they laugh. He's so great they would say. But he does have his problems. Yes , he does need some help and I want to be there! I want to be there through it all but they tell me no way. They make us fight and argue. Dont they know how much we need each other? Stop keeping us away! I know he's done bad things but with me, he'll stop. He lies because hes afraid. Hes lied to others, not just me! I know the old him is drying to get out and i be the one to help set that free. So let me back in, please!!! If this is the last time I get to see you, if its the last thing I get to say. I want to let you know how thankful I am for you to be in my life. Yes, I know we've had our issues, I know we've had our problems but you've helped me in the best way I ever knew. I've loved someone before but not like it was with you. Not even close. I never felt so beautiful. I never had such happiness and your the blame. When my world fell apart, you cam along and put all the pieces back together. You were a great shoulder to cry on. You said nothing but you didn't have to. But you'll never know how much that meant to me. As I watched you sleep I knew I was your feet. I fell in love and nothing will ever change. So if this is the last time we are together, I just want to say I love you. You looked at me, you looked me straight in the eyes. It was only for a second but there was so much hate n hurt. Why are you treating me this way? Im the one who should be giving you the cold shoulder. I should be the one ignoring your every word. How could you be so cold? You only care about yourself. I fell in love with my eyes closed. I ignored all the sings. You were never good for me but I saw something in you. I saw the loving person that you are but your so lost now. You've let drugs and alcohol destory you. Im letting you go. Im putting you behind me. I've given you too much of myself to you and I've never got anything in return. Days I spent inside my head, thinking of a way for you to understand but if you keep destorying the things around you. How can I stick around? You pushed me away. I don't mean a thing to you. I'm not even sure if I ever did. I bought everything you said n built you up inside my head. But looking at you now, whats the point? I can't watch you burry yourself deeper so now I'm saying goodbye. Goodbye to waht I once held dear. Goodbye to my innocence that you stole. Goodbye to you my love... Goodbye! I'm counting down the days til I get to finally see your face. I wonder how it's going to be. Will you look at me the same? Has your feelings rearranged? What are you going to say? Are you going to bring up that day? Will you rush into my arms like you use to? Tell me that you love? Boy, I can't put you behind me. Not before I hear the words its over. But the thing is, it's never going to be over. theres something there that doesn't ever go away. I know you feel it. So why do you have to be so distant with me? Don't be afraid. Im not mad anymore. All I want is for you to be straight with me. For once in ur life, tell me everything. Be real. Be trust. Give me all of you. Not just part. Im sorry for the things I didn't do for you in the past. We rused into this relationship wayy too fast. Our eyes were shut thinkin that we'd last. Im willing to forgive and forget. Can we give this another try? Do you still want this? Just say the words n I'll walk away. I'm not like every other girl you had. I'm here, im here for you! I'll give you everything you need if you give me the chance. Its all up to you. So you tell me how its going to be. I think about you day n night. Your even there in my dreams. I miss our late night phone calls, how you'd beg me to come see you. I miss the way you'd look at me n everything in between Anyways... theres more... LOTS MORE! but I dont feel like typing it all right now! lol TOOTLES Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
7:40 am	Why does he do this shit to me? Seriously, everytime I tell myself that I'm over him and I'm not gonna have anymore to do with him, he comes back like a lil reminder that hes still out there ... FUCK! He called me twice but I was on my house phone talkin to Nathan n so I wasn't near my phone... but while I was sleeping he called n I answered.... He didn't even sound like himself :( But he asked me what i was doing n if I was going to the bars tonight n that was it... But it was weird. I hate what hes doing to himself.. It really breaks my heart!! I don't even know this person.... This person scares me n makes me feel nervous inside. I found out a lot of shit about him that a lot of ppl were keeping from me.... Maybe everything was just one big lie and I really never did know who he really was....? Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
1:12 pm	I love my mom so much!! I swear, she is my best friend, I don't even care!!! As long as she understands what I'm going through I don't even care!!! Went out last night, had an alright night... I got drunk n talked about wrestling for about an hour with sum guys... Haha I LOVED IT!!! I got hit on at the bar by like 30 year olds.... Not so great! lol But anyway got home around like 5 maybe and I came home n drank with my mom. Apparently her n Nathan talked on the phone.... and Nathan admitted the main reason why he wanted to come home.. AND I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!!!! ITS ALL BECAUSE OF CORD!!!!!! Nathan is actually really pissed and doesn't want cord around me... and he even told my mother this and told her that he doesnt want him near me blah blah blah, and he told my mom about ALL THE BAD SHIT!! every single fucking thing. It hurt me actually a lil bit.... Cuz doing that has opened some shit up cuz now my mom is a lil worried that Cords been callin me again but he hasnt' not since what happened with Sam and hes not gonna. I know he wont!!! But now UGH!!!! But anyway I talked to my mom n I told her how I spent this great summer with him... How he was there for me when Uncle Ralph died and everything. I told her I got to know the SOBER him! cuz when hes sober.. Hes amazing.. Hes the greatest, sweetest, most sexiest guy, like no one understands how much it hurts me to see him on crack... Like I was explaning it to my mom n I started to cry. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE NEEDS THAT SHIT! ITS FUCKING STUPID! ITS SUCHA WASTE ON SOMEONE. ITS JUST SO FUCKING SAD!!!!! I wanna help him so much, I do, I really really do!!! But I can't, It won't work... he'll just lie to me more n more.... And just breaks my heart so much You don't even know ..... Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
8:01 am	How I Feel Can't believe that it's over baby But every bruse on my heart you gave me See we tried but we fight then we cried now it's over babe it's over babe. When I met you I knew you would be the one, me cause looking at you made me feel kind of crazy,now what you asked I almost did it automatically but it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me. Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect babe, you fooled around, but see back then it didn't phase me I thought by staying, trying to change you would be worth it babe, but now I see that trying to change you only changed me. All these tears,and all of your lies all these years and now we're saying goodbye, it's over babe. Now I'm thinking that I never should have dealt with you, all this screaming and this yelling that we go through raining late at night I'm sitting waiting up for you just to tell you how I hate who you turned into, see ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you, I'm never playing another day of being your fool, I wasted all my time on something that just wasn't true, I should have known I could never ever change you. All these tears, and all of your lies, all these years and now we're saying goodbye it's over babe. I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving leaving baby, I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving leaving baby. Whenever you see me don't even speak, I'll never forget what you did to me. Whenever you see me don't even speak, I'll never forget what you did to me. I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby. I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 18th, 2008
6:44 pm	You've always been so concerned with me being disappointed in you and I've always, always, always said No.. Well good job babe, you did it... I am! I've tried to be your friend but your lies just continue... Thats it, its over, I'm done! Me and Sam had a great talk. I use to think it was all cuz of her that we couldn't be anything but boy was I wrong... totally, completely WRONG. I hope your happy cuz this time I'm saying goodbye and I'm meaning it! You said you didnt wanna say goodbye to me anymore because you hate seeing me go... Well you ruined that cuz I'm gone... and Im gone for good this time. All because of CRACK!!! Hope its worth it! </3 Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Friday, February 15th, 2008
5:50 pm	I'm glad we finally talked about everything and I'm glad we worked everything out. I don't forgive you tho And I'm only being your friend. You say its over between you n her... but I don't totally believe it. But I'm glad you admitted everything to me. You were finally straight with me for the first time ever. I was surprised. I love you... but we're only friends! (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 14th, 2008
3:44 pm	I cannot explain how much that fucking killed me!! You look right at me and didn't even say a fucking thing! You might as well have slapped me in the face!!! I guess it shows how much you actually cared about me.... FUCK YOU! I'm done with your bullshit! Go run off to Kitchener like a lil scared pussy ass shit that you are! You've ruined it here! GOOD JOB!!! Hope your happy! Maybe you can O.D and DIE! Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Monday, February 11th, 2008
8:02 am	I can handle a lot of things but even just THINKING of BRINGING THE CHICK THAT YOU'VE CHEATED ON ME NUMERIOUS TIMES TO MY HOUSE  IS NOT ONE OF THEM!!!!!! I HOPE YOU CHOCK AND DIE!!!! DON'T YOU EVER PUT ME IN THAT SITUATION AGAINN!!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
5:03 pm	Forgetting my lifes sorrows I know I made the right decision when I broke up with him but at first it really hurt me but now I know its whats best. I did it because of the way he lived and does things... I know if I stayed in that relationship, it would be me doing all the work and I don't want it to be that way. I was just upset because he asked her to move in with him right away... That hurt!!! But this whole decision of breaking up was the best.  I know it is. I was so scared of being pregnent!!!! But it made me think about a lot of things... Especially since there was another human being to consider. I don't want any child of mine living the life of SCUM! Cuz thats where hes from... Everyone around there are bums!!!! Bums and people who do terrible drugs and Im NOT letting my kid be exposed to anything like that! Not now, not EVER! :) I love him with all my heart... Hes the first person I gave myself to and for awhile he was the best thing to happen to me but its time to let go and let go I'm going to do. Even tho Im not having a kid, It would've eventually happen if we stayed together. I was so sad yesterday... Uncle Ralphs car was sold.. It felt like it was the last thing I had left of him and its gone... Completely gone.. Theres nothing now... Its more offical. I'm ok now thanks to everyone who talked to me and Nathan who came by for a visit. I'm going to be ok... I'm not going to let things get to me that I cannot change. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
7:07 pm	Just a girl with a broken heart...  I can remember when it was me... That made you smile, me, that made you laugh, me that made you happier then you've ever been. oh me! That was ur world, me ur perfect girl! Nothing about me has changed so tahts why Im here wondering what makes her so much better then me? What makes her everything I can never be? What makes her ur every dream n fantasy cuz I can remember when it was me!!! Cant take a breathe without missing you. ur sucha beautiful face, But it doesnt make sences. If I could I would make you love me, if I could I'd forget ur face. I'm the one who could make you happy, I tried so hard but I cant walk away</3 Why can't you be here? Why did you leave? Is it my fault you don't love me? Why do I cry? Why don't you call? Why does it seem like you don't care at all? You don't feel a thing, I dont understand why I need you here.... Im the one whos been hurting in this relationship, I aint happy baby, always lonely baby cuz theres always so much things you gotta do. Deep down you know its best for yourself but u hate the thought of him being with someone else but you know its over</3 I wish this didn't hurt so much, I wish I could just let you go without thinking about you n wondering what your doing and if ur ok. You mean so much to me and you don't even know it!! I'd do anything for you but ur too blind to see. What makes her so much better then me? Cuz she does drugs? Cuz shes ALWAYS there? Shes always there cuz she has no job or anything. What kind of life is that?? I know I did the right thing but it hurts so much. Cuz ur the only guy I see. Its been that way for 2 n a half years!!!! Even when I was with someone else, u were always ther ein the back of my mind.. I HATE IT!!! Get outta my head!!!! Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)